Wednesday, July 26, 2006

my new favorite phrase

I've learned a new phrase in balmer from some of my patients since i've been here:

"I got banked"

saying you got banked, means you got jacked, or robbed. Which tends to happen a lot in Balmer.

Here is how to use it in a sentance:

"Shit did you hear that last week even our mailman got banked? Yeah some bitch held that motherfucker up and stole anything that looked like a check." (true story)

My fellow interns and I have begun adapting it to mean generally fucked. ie:

"damn my new er schedule this month sucks, I have like 19 shifts and they are all at night."

"shit dude you got banked, that sucks"

I got banked is second only to "my babies daddy" which I hear much too often while interviewing mothers. for instance here is some real conversation:

"so where do you and your baby live?"

(mumbling) "wif my buddersbabydaddy"

"i'm sorry?"

(mumbling) "wif my bruddersbabiesdaddy"

"ummmm, can you say that again?"

(slightly less mumbled) "wif my bruddersbabies daddy"

"i'm sorry i can't understa..."

(a nurse in the backround) "she said her brothers babies daddy"

"oh.... I see."

I'm with kit, not hobie bitch

The other day I rounds I had what I can only describe as a pretty awesome experience. I had finished prerounding and was about to go onto rounds to explain my plans on my cardiology patients. We have this pharmacy resident who rounds with us. As we were walking down the hall together she kind of shyly said the following:

"you know, I'm sure you've heard this before but you really look a lot like that night rider guy."


"you know, that guy who used to be in that old TV show night rider...."

"....wait you mean hasselhoff?


"hasselhoff, like david hasselhoff? you think I look like David Hasselhoff on night rider?"

"well, yeah, I mean come on you've never heard that before?"

" not really. wait but you mean the hasselhoff from night rider right? like I look like night rider hasselhoff, not baywatch hasselhoff right?"


"I mean like I look like hasselhoff in the leather jacket with the car "kit" and all, not the hasselhoff with hobie and shit right?"

"ummm, I think we should be rounding soon"

"wait but you said night rider right"

"ummm, i think that's our attending we should get going"

Thats right bitches, somehow I look like hasselhoff. Maybe it's because I haven't had my hair cut in awhile and it's starting to get all curly and bush out, maybe this pharmacy chick is just crazy but she thinks I look like hasselhoff. And not some baywatch hasselhoff running along the beach telling summer and mitch what to do and bitching at hobie, I look like night rider hasselhoff.

fucking a

I think i need a leather jacket.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Public Service Announcement

If you are a patient and your doctor asks you a simple question that you have the answer for, please do not say "can't you just go look that up in my chart." "It should all be in there" For instance, if I am asking the name of your primary doctor, WHICH IS IN YOUR CELL PHONE, and you tell me this, please don't say "isn't that in my chart somewhere?" Your patient record is not indexed by google so that i can go to a computer and type in your name and PMD, so it just pops up, here is a description of your medical record:

First of all it's paper. A 3 ring binder stuffed full of disjointed papers filled with notes written in a rush by doctors with terrible handwriting. half of which is illegible. there is a section with orders written in it when you get a medicine or a test ordered and it's all on carbon paper. CARBON PAPER. That is how we order things, not in a computer, we write it through carbon paper and it is faxed down to the pharmacy just to maximize the illegibility of the process. So looking through those is quite fruitless in figuring out a reliable medication dosage.

Just tell us when you think you had your surgery, what you know to the best of your knowlege, we get quite good at determining who is reliable and who spent their childhood inhaling paint fumes.

It would be like if you were on a road trip and got to a city you had never been to and didn't know how to navigate. The only map you have is a 30 year old map your dad gave you. It's missing a third of the pages, is out of date, stained with coffee, ripped, and not even a good map in the first place. so you end up getting lost for like 30 minutes in some crappy ass city until you see a city information booth set up with someone whos job is it to give directions. You pull up roll down your window and say " hi could you tell me how to get to the interstate i'm lost." The 300 lb woman squeezed into a city uniform barely looks in your direction as she continues to talk on her cell phone. You ask again and she turns to you, palming the phone and says "Ain't that a map in yo' hand???!!"

Thats how it feels.

When someone is at your child's bedside at 9:30 at night and then again at 6am the next morning, watching over them to make sure they don't get in a situation where they suddenly go into an arrythmia and die, just answer their question. I know you may have to power up that cell phone to get the phone number for them, but try to be a little less lazy huh?

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Mildly retarded

So I haven't really posted much lately because well everything that I would want to post would relate to the hospital and well i'm trying to pretty much leave that out of my blog. Which is difficult and if I actually accomplish it will probably mean this blog will mostly likely just kinda go under. Which I think is a shame. Overall though my first week of internship just made me feel mildly retarded. I don't really know where anything is, or how to do anything and I generally just feel a little confused.

But I was off this weekend and due to my sweet ass schedule I manage to have very little call with only one night on call this month. which is sweet. I have next weekend off as well and have to only make it thought this week without causing any serious problems and I am halfway though my first rotation.

My neighborhood still rocks and what rocks even more is that mini kiss, the kiss cover band made up entirely of midgets is playing here next weekend. which is pretty amazing.

On a lighter note our postwoman was robbed last week. Apparently someone held her up and stole anything that looked like a check. who holds up a post man? I mean only in baltimore does someone seek out a mailman to rob.

To be honest I'm a bit down all the sudden and it's not clear why, maybe just mourning the end of the weekend and that I will be getting up at 5am tomorrow. Oh well. Wish I had a happy ticket.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Yuppie Punch

Today 2 blocks away form my place I saw a middle aged white dude with a stroller waiting on sidewalk. It was an odd stroller because the front of it was actually zipped closed so that there was mosquito mesh protecting the contents of the stroller.

I looked in as I walked by and inside the stroller were two miniature poodles standing up inside the stroller watching me walk by. I almost tripped over such a site.

I looked up and made eye contact with the guy and I think he knew what I was thinking. I think he knew that all I wanted to do more than anything in this world was to punch that man in the face.

He deserved it and I think he knew it. That man needed a good solid fast punch to the nose - The kind that immediately breaks the nose, lets loose a lot of blood and hurts like shit.

Who walks their fucking poodles around in a fucking stroller!!!!!!????

What that man needs is a good solid Yuppie Punch.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Bmore moments part 1

I live in a pretty nice neighborhood in Baltimore. But it's still Baltimore.

30 minutes ago I looked out of my second story window across the street to see a homeless guy sitting on the stoop of my neighbors place with his head in his hands, obviously just trying to catch some shut eye. I just peeked out again and he is now literally sprawled out on his back on the sidewalk, one leg dangling into the street, sleeping with his head on the concrete steps of the stoop.

I really wish I had a digital camera right now. I would post it.

Another Bmore moment from the morning. I walk into a local coffee shop mildly hung over looking for a newspaper to buy. A sketchy looking guy is reclining in a chair doing nothing. I try not to make eye contact but he pipes up: "Hey buddy that sure is a nice shirt you got on". He says it in such a way and with a facial expression that makes it apparent that he is either 1) retarded 2) high or 3) someone more at home on an inpatient psych ward. He may be any combination of these. I glance down at my recently acquired $12 T shirt which apparently he found really attractive. See this was the most unnerving part of it. I mean it's a cool T-shirt, but it's a t-shirt. It's nothing fancy or even really nice. Certainly nothing that would logically attract compliments from some random guy. Confused I just smiled and said thanks.

Final Bmore moment. Last night I'm at a Irish pub drinking a Guinness about to go home. A fairly drunk looking guy is leaving to go smoke a cigarette. He stumbles, rolls down 4 stairs hitting his head and his shorts fall off. Underwear too I guess cause all I saw was a big white ass.

Everyone laughs including the bartender who served him.

Thanks Mom?

Are all mothers crazy? Are any others crazy in the manner than mine is?

So I've recently moved to Baltimore, or B-more. I got a letter from my mom yesterday with nothing more than a clipping from the washington post.

The headline read:

Drug Related Deaths Hit 10-year low in Baltimore

scrawled across the top in my moms writing was written:

"maybe your neighborhood will be safer..."


The article details how through medical treatment of heroin abuse and needle exchanges and education, 17 less people died from heroin overdose in 2005 compared to 1996. It's weird to picture my mom reading this headline and article, and then thinking to herself, "I better clip this article and send it to my son. It will reassure him that he will not be robbed or murdered in Baltimore."

She then sends the article, with the scribble at the top and nothing else. no letter in the envelope, just the article.

Is this weird or is it just me?

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Med students suck ass

So our yard sale was pretty poor. Granted we advertised it would start at 10, and we didn't start setting up till 11:30, but it was hampered by a significant thunderstorm. We had three customers and no sales. The first customer arrived at noon:

us: "So were you interested in anything in particular?"

ms: "yeah the kitchenware"

us: "hmmm, well s has this box of dishes."

ms: "I though you had "lots of kitchenware""

us: "crap(muttered under my breath). well come into the kitchen. So what were you looking for? a pot?

ms: "I don't know I was just hoping to browse."

me: (pulling random pots and pans out of the cup board) "how bout this pot, or this skillet"

s: "hey woah woah woah, thats my skillet it's not for sale."

ms: "so maybe I'll just come back later, after you guys have organized this stuff"

me: "you sure you don't want a hopee indian arm?"

s: "or a kool aid man costume?"

ms: "no"

that was the closest we came to a sale. Motherfucking med students. I mean who passes up all this gold that we're selling? medical manequians? indian arms? kool aid costumes? specimen jars? what the fuck is wrong with medical students.

We later determined many people didn't actually believe we had these items, that we just made it all up. So we spent all day creating a blog with photos. check it out:

Best Yard Sale Ever

Stupid blogger. I wrote this great post the other day only to have it completely lost by blogger. It drove me fucking nuts and now I'm not going back to rewrite it. However my roomate and I are having the best yard sale ever. We sent an email out to the med school to inform everyone. It was in the form of a talking monkey. My roomate knew of this site with a cartoonish monkey that speaks whatever text you write in. here check out the message:

We then sent out an email detailing what we are selling:

-4 red painted wooden Ikea table chairs
-1 AC window unit
-Various dishes, dishwear, silverwear, etc
-Various medical books, review books, etc
-Beer brewing kit (really sweet one with 2 glass fermenters (originally
-2 sets of wooden adjustable crutches
-Dart board with really nice wall mount case
-Life size female mannequin (dress included however 1 lower leg missing)
-Baby mannequin ("detachable head")
-Coleman Camping Stove
-Inflattable 8 foot light-up Santa
-Technics SB-L50 speakers
-Bose subwoofer that may work
-Sony playstation
-Playstation games (Grand Tourismo II, Metal Gear, Medal of Honor)
-Super Nintendo Games (007 Goldeneye, Legenda of Zelda, Tetras )
-Green Couch (best napping couch ever)
-Full-Size custom Kool-Aid Costume
-Full-size Sushi Roll costume
-2 wooden stools
-1 medium ceramic planter pot
-1 large ceramic planter pot (with cool plant!)
-Japanese maple tree in large planter pot
-10-Gallon Fish tank (no fish)
-Replica Hopi Indian Arm from Smithsonian (sorry, just arm ... just to warn
: contains lead based paint)
-Variety of Smithsonian Specimen jars (up to 2 Gallons!!!)
-2 childrens bikes
-Radio shark (Tivo like device for radio . turns blood read when "sharking")

Unfortunately it's sunday morning and raining. I dragged my hung ass out of bed at 9:30 only to have it start raining. Bitch.

Thursday, April 27, 2006


You know what I love. I love absolutely nothing. I mean that in the way that I love doing nothing. I'm good at it too. Why I'm choosing to be a doctor when I have this trait, I'm not sure. However I really do love doing nothing. I have been on my last rotation in medical school - neurology - and have somehow been getting out by about 10:30 every day. Two days ago I took three naps. Three. Not some sissy naps either, these were all at least hour long naps. I'm a fucking great napper. Ask Sam.

Granted today I did go for a two hour bike ride, which is doing something. But in the end, expending all that energy allows me to be more focused on doing nothing. It takes away any anxiety and makes it easier to go back to napping. It also makes it easier to eat lots of ice cream, which is another thing I love. You know those Ben and Jerrys pints from the grocery store? I love those too. When I open one, I have to finish it. I can't stop myself. I've tried and it doesn't work. I mean it's like 1200 calories depending on the flavor. And I down it like it's nothing. Fuck I missed free cone day. Motherfuck fuck fucker. it was yesterday. I mean I do have the remnants of a vermonster in my freezer left over from my birthday, but that is beside the point.

I also love milk. Skim milk. i drink about half a gallon a day. When I come home from a long run you know what i grab to drink? no not gatorade... I grab the milk and suck it down. i love it. love it love it love it. I don't know what my problem is but i have to have it. I suspect it may be what causes my clubbing though.

At this point, unless you know me you are probably getting confused... and this is beginning to be productive, so it's best I stop. Tomorrow is my last day of medical school. If I pass my neuro exam I will become a doctor. Which is frightening. Which also means that very soon, I will have to do more. a lot more.